


Compass

by beaniek4



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Cuddling, Depression, Drabble, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Hannah Baker - Freeform, Oneshot, References to Past Suicide Attempt, Short Story, Spooning, Zach's a supportive boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 18:51:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14939873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beaniek4/pseuds/beaniek4
Summary: He’s confided in Zach about these worries before, and despite Zach assuring him that it wasn’t the case he still found himself plagued by those anxiety-inducing thoughts sometimes. He wishes he could ask for assurance anytime he starts thinking those things, but he’s sure if he repeatedly asks for some sort of validation that Zach might feel he doesn’t trust him and his feelings. He does, though. He really does. It’s just that him being self-conscious and depressed—combined with the stress of becoming “normal” again—doesn’t mix well.





	Compass

**Author's Note:**

> This is shorter than the usual stories I make. It was just something self-indulgent to get my brain juices working haha. I'm hoping to actually write a Justlex story sometime soon, I just need to think up some prompts that'd fit into the second season. If you have any ideas, feel free to comment them!

Alex knows Zach cares about him. There’s no doubt about that. Even so, there are times when negative thoughts rise up in Alex’s mind and drown out any common sense. He thinks of Zach’s old relationship with Hannah, how Zach truly cared about her but left her side in the end anyway. He thinks of how Zach had felt—probably still feels—immense regret for not helping her more, for being too much of a coward to be with her publicly, and how he could’ve possibly prevented so much of the hardships she had faced had he just stayed in her life. Then he thinks of himself, someone who is broken just like Hannah had been. He feels he can relate to her a lot now, both of them having felt like life wasn’t worth living anymore. Sometimes he feels like maybe the reason Zach is with him is just his way of atoning for past mistakes, that Zach doesn’t actually have feelings for him, but rather wants to fix his problems, something he wasn’t able to do for Hannah.

It’s during times like these that Alex worries he’s just a replacement, a do-over in Zach’s life, a charity case. These kinds of thoughts are always hard to get rid of, and every time they come around Alex has to wait for them to dissipate on their own. They aren’t something he can just wish away or ignore. He always gets stuck with them until somehow he manages to distract himself long enough for them to retreat to the back of his mind, where they wait to rise another day when Alex loses himself to other depressing thoughts. He’s confided in Zach about these worries before, and despite Zach assuring him that it wasn’t the case he still found himself plagued by those anxiety-inducing thoughts sometimes. He wishes he could ask for assurance anytime he starts thinking those things, but he’s sure if he repeatedly asks for some sort of validation that Zach might feel he doesn’t trust him and his feelings. He does, though. He really does. It’s just that him being self-conscious and depressed—combined with the stress of becoming “normal” again—doesn’t mix well. 

The thoughts just keep getting worse. He finds himself wanting to text Zach “Am I just another Hannah?” He knows that that’ll only cause problems, though, so he keeps himself from doing so and instead calls the other. Thankfully Zach picks up, asking what’s up, obviously confused that he’s being called rather than receiving a text like usual.

“Can you come over? I’m— I need you.”

Zach tells him that he’ll be there as soon as he can. Before he hangs up, he tells Alex “I love you”. Those words always make Alex feel giddy, even during times of distress. It helps push away the dark thoughts that threaten to overwhelm him, though only a bit. He can still feel himself trying to fight off those negative feelings.

He lays down on his bed, putting in his earphones to listen to some music that’ll hopefully keep him distracted until Zach arrives. The first song that comes on is something by Joy Division. Typical. He lies there and closes his eyes, imagining himself in a time where he can walk without a cane, where he’s actually getting better, both physically and mentally. He imagines himself being able to properly chill with Zach, not having to rely on the other to balance him or help him do normal day-to-day things. Before he knows it, he’s drifting off.

He’s awoken from his short nap by a weight causing the bed to dip and a hand at his shoulder that’s lightly shaking him. He blearily opens his eyes and sees Zach looking down at him, smiling softly. He takes out his earphones and scoots over a little to allow room for Zach to make himself comfy. Zach lies down behind him and pulls him flush against his chest, wrapping his arms around him. As cheesy as it sounds, Alex enjoys all the cuddling and spooning that comes with being with Zach. When one or both of them are upset, they have an unspoken agreement to just lie close with the other until they deem it’s time to talk about whatever’s bothering them. Alex always has a preference for Zach being the one holding him. He knows it’s because Zach’s larger body around him makes him feel safe and secure, and he needs that comfort during those times when he feels himself going under from all the pressure he’s facing and the negative thoughts dwelling within him.

They don't say anything to each other for a long while, which Alex finds comforting. Zach just continues to hold him in his arms, burying his face in his hair. Slowly but surely, he feels his fears and negative feelings dissipate. Of course, they'll come back another day, but for now he's relieved that Zach's presence has relaxed him enough to forget about those worries for a bit and focus on the obvious fact that Zach does love him, that he's here for him. He's not just another Hannah in Zach's mind, even if his brain wants him to think otherwise. He feels content with that thought in his head.


End file.
